["What all did he tell you? Why did he tell you?" They're questions he has but not ones he dares to ask. He's being careful and even when Clarke says she knows, he's not entirely confirming everything. Jason told him not to tell people things like that. He's listening this time.
But…it's Clarke. There's something about Clarke Griffin that makes the world feel a little bit better sometimes when everything else is falling apart, and though he's not naive enough to believe it's because she's unaffected by everything going on (and honestly, he worries about her as much as he does Jason some days), she's one of the few people in this world that makes him feel like he can be close to honest.]
I figured it out after our first week here when we were all in the middle of battle. [There's a pause.] I…did something really, really stupid and ran out to the battlefield because I thought I could handle it, and Jason had to intervene so I didn't get myself killed because I couldn't kill people myself. He's always telling me not to have a death wish and back then…he asked me what I thought happened when people charge in thinking they have to do something. They die. That's what happens.
A couple of months later he confirmed it. [Another pause, because this is uncomfortable.] You remember those harps from last year, right? I…they were brutal. I stopped talking to him for a whole month but he called a lot and yelled a lot and when I finally found him again he told me about his life before that. What lead up to it. How it all happened. Why he did what he did. But he's never explained anything after that and I've never knew how to ask.
[Or even if he could or wanted to ask. He takes a deep breath to steady himself again.] Sometimes when I talk to Jason it's like he just snaps. Something about him changes. Something about him changes because of something I do or something I say, or when I follow my own leads or when we disagree on something and I don't know how to stop hurting him. [Because that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? At first, Hiro thought it was just a place of anger and frustration, Jason being a complete asshole just because he could. The longer Hiro stayed out of it though and the more he analyzed it, the more he thought about the things Jason had told him and with how he reacted to Hiro's actions? It became more clear it was a defense mechanism more than anything else. Not knowing how to cope with Hiro's ignorant willfulness, along with other things Hiro didn't quite understand and couldn't quite grasp.] So…that's why I'm staying at Caer Scima. He wanted me to listen to him and even when he told me not to bother and that he'd just turn me into Morla I listened anyway.
He's not a bad person, Clarke. [Well. In a way, he is, and Hiro knows that. He knows Jason's murdered people here in the Drabwurld and he knows that Jason's sometimes a little bloodthirsty, but he feels like he needs to make it clear he doesn't think he's a complete monster.] He's been keeping me alive for over a year and sometimes I don't really know why when all it's doing is frustrating him. But…he didn't kill Nico, and he could have. He could have killed him right after the audience and he could have turned both of us in but he didn't and that's how I know he's not a bad person. [Nico. He wasn't going to touch the Nico part of the equation yet, but it's also a test to see if Clarke will put together who Nico is.] But bad things happened to him and I can't fix it when things keep happening to make it worse. So…that's why I worry about him and that's why I stopped pushing back finally. Or at least I'm trying to stop pushing back. I still don't know if it's really working all the time though.
[There it is. The truth. It's missing a whole lot of details (like the things Hiro's told Jason in return and some of his less-than-stellar moments), but it's probably the most he's ever talked to Clarke about something that personal and he's actually a little too nervous to look her in the eye. So instead he remains with his face on her shoulder instead, waiting for a reaction.]
no subject
But…it's Clarke. There's something about Clarke Griffin that makes the world feel a little bit better sometimes when everything else is falling apart, and though he's not naive enough to believe it's because she's unaffected by everything going on (and honestly, he worries about her as much as he does Jason some days), she's one of the few people in this world that makes him feel like he can be close to honest.]
I figured it out after our first week here when we were all in the middle of battle. [There's a pause.] I…did something really, really stupid and ran out to the battlefield because I thought I could handle it, and Jason had to intervene so I didn't get myself killed because I couldn't kill people myself. He's always telling me not to have a death wish and back then…he asked me what I thought happened when people charge in thinking they have to do something. They die. That's what happens.
A couple of months later he confirmed it. [Another pause, because this is uncomfortable.] You remember those harps from last year, right? I…they were brutal. I stopped talking to him for a whole month but he called a lot and yelled a lot and when I finally found him again he told me about his life before that. What lead up to it. How it all happened. Why he did what he did. But he's never explained anything after that and I've never knew how to ask.
[Or even if he could or wanted to ask. He takes a deep breath to steady himself again.] Sometimes when I talk to Jason it's like he just snaps. Something about him changes. Something about him changes because of something I do or something I say, or when I follow my own leads or when we disagree on something and I don't know how to stop hurting him. [Because that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? At first, Hiro thought it was just a place of anger and frustration, Jason being a complete asshole just because he could. The longer Hiro stayed out of it though and the more he analyzed it, the more he thought about the things Jason had told him and with how he reacted to Hiro's actions? It became more clear it was a defense mechanism more than anything else. Not knowing how to cope with Hiro's ignorant willfulness, along with other things Hiro didn't quite understand and couldn't quite grasp.] So…that's why I'm staying at Caer Scima. He wanted me to listen to him and even when he told me not to bother and that he'd just turn me into Morla I listened anyway.
He's not a bad person, Clarke. [Well. In a way, he is, and Hiro knows that. He knows Jason's murdered people here in the Drabwurld and he knows that Jason's sometimes a little bloodthirsty, but he feels like he needs to make it clear he doesn't think he's a complete monster.] He's been keeping me alive for over a year and sometimes I don't really know why when all it's doing is frustrating him. But…he didn't kill Nico, and he could have. He could have killed him right after the audience and he could have turned both of us in but he didn't and that's how I know he's not a bad person. [Nico. He wasn't going to touch the Nico part of the equation yet, but it's also a test to see if Clarke will put together who Nico is.] But bad things happened to him and I can't fix it when things keep happening to make it worse. So…that's why I worry about him and that's why I stopped pushing back finally. Or at least I'm trying to stop pushing back. I still don't know if it's really working all the time though.
[There it is. The truth. It's missing a whole lot of details (like the things Hiro's told Jason in return and some of his less-than-stellar moments), but it's probably the most he's ever talked to Clarke about something that personal and he's actually a little too nervous to look her in the eye. So instead he remains with his face on her shoulder instead, waiting for a reaction.]