[It’s been over a year since he met Jason and even this far out in time he’s never quite managed to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together. He understands that things about Jason don’t add up, that things about Jason hurt and that at his core even if his methods are terrifying a lot of the time, there are good intentions behind it. Vigilante justice, if you will. Hiro’s seen Jason murder people on the battle field but he still took the time to pick him up and carry him off. Jason’s always looked out for his stupid ass and Hiro’s…done what?
Perhaps he is being ridiculous for thinking such things. It’s hard to convince himself, especially considering the fact that he’s been taking advantage of it. It’s true. His own guilt and helplessness is really what’s eating him about the situation and as soon as Clarke’s hand moves to his head there’s a slight hiccup due to suppressing what was probably close to a sob. The longer she talks, the more everything makes sense and that’s the unfortunate part. He’s by no means someone who has experience with mental illnesses either. Clarke can say it’s not his fault or his responsibility. He’d just turn around and say that he’s not Jason’s responsibility either and therein lies the problem.]
You don’t understand, and that’s okay. [That’s all he says for a moment.] I keep screwing up. I trip up his triggers or whatever you’d call them because I keep…[…how to explain.]
Look. I trust him with all of our lives, too. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t scare the crap out of me. [And with that, he’s just sort of clinging to her. They’re going to be so late.] It might not be that I’m the cause, but I don’t make it better. [There’s another long pause.] Do you know why he banned me from going anywhere? Has he ever told you why we set up this deal to be the way it is? It’s because I keep doing the same thing over and over again and that’s listening to him and then ignoring what he wants anyway. Back home I used to do the same thing to Tadashi. I don’t anymore, but I did it to my friends, too. And now I’m doing it to him.
So…I know your intentions are good, but don’t tell me this isn’t partially my fault, too. [His fingers curl in a little into her back.] And I’m going to do whatever I really have to to fix it. I just don’t know how to fix it.
[Even as he finishes he realizes he sounds so childish. And also self-centered. And potentially ridiculous but at this point maybe he needs to just throw everything out there instead of sitting on it and lashing out in the worst way possible.]
It’s just going to take a really, really long time, isn’t it?
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Perhaps he is being ridiculous for thinking such things. It’s hard to convince himself, especially considering the fact that he’s been taking advantage of it. It’s true. His own guilt and helplessness is really what’s eating him about the situation and as soon as Clarke’s hand moves to his head there’s a slight hiccup due to suppressing what was probably close to a sob. The longer she talks, the more everything makes sense and that’s the unfortunate part. He’s by no means someone who has experience with mental illnesses either. Clarke can say it’s not his fault or his responsibility. He’d just turn around and say that he’s not Jason’s responsibility either and therein lies the problem.]
You don’t understand, and that’s okay. [That’s all he says for a moment.] I keep screwing up. I trip up his triggers or whatever you’d call them because I keep…[…how to explain.]
Look. I trust him with all of our lives, too. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t scare the crap out of me. [And with that, he’s just sort of clinging to her. They’re going to be so late.] It might not be that I’m the cause, but I don’t make it better. [There’s another long pause.] Do you know why he banned me from going anywhere? Has he ever told you why we set up this deal to be the way it is? It’s because I keep doing the same thing over and over again and that’s listening to him and then ignoring what he wants anyway. Back home I used to do the same thing to Tadashi. I don’t anymore, but I did it to my friends, too. And now I’m doing it to him.
So…I know your intentions are good, but don’t tell me this isn’t partially my fault, too. [His fingers curl in a little into her back.] And I’m going to do whatever I really have to to fix it. I just don’t know how to fix it.
[Even as he finishes he realizes he sounds so childish. And also self-centered. And potentially ridiculous but at this point maybe he needs to just throw everything out there instead of sitting on it and lashing out in the worst way possible.]
It’s just going to take a really, really long time, isn’t it?