zerotohiro | I'll be the watcher of the eternal flame [Eachdraidh IC Contact]

[It helps. A lot. It helps a lot more than he ever expected it to help and it's hard to focus on anything except for that weird, raw ache in the center of his chest that comes from the realization that he doesn't willingly let people touch him very often. That's probably not a good thing, but he'll take advantage of it for the time being. He doesn't move from his place but he turns his head slightly so he can talk without his words being lost.

Not that he says anything immediately. He's listening. It suddenly makes more sense now why Jason let Clarke take him, why Jason likes Clarke and the nature of their relationship. If Clarke's already been fighting that battle...why? Why would she know that?

And then those last words settle in his ears.]

...he told you what happened to him, didn't he? [The way she phrased it isn't a generic statement. It's said like someone who knows that the type of tragedy that happened isn't something that can be taken back.]

( as soon as the question is posed, Clarke realizes that Hiro must know as well. there are few things that are worth asking after, but knowing about Jason and his history, his past, is certainly one of them. she isn't necessarily surprised that he knows about Jason's life in his home world, but- she does wish she had known sooner, if only so she could have helped Hiro before this.

her voice is tight when she answers, because it's still hard for her to wrap her head around. knowing that Jason had died, knowing he was adamant about not believing her, that no matter how many times she reminded him that people cared, he wouldn't believe it. all of it piles up, paired with knowing that Hiro knows, and the emotion surges into her voice. )

He did. I found out about a month ago.

["What all did he tell you? Why did he tell you?" They're questions he has but not ones he dares to ask. He's being careful and even when Clarke says she knows, he's not entirely confirming everything. Jason told him not to tell people things like that. He's listening this time.

But…it's Clarke. There's something about Clarke Griffin that makes the world feel a little bit better sometimes when everything else is falling apart, and though he's not naive enough to believe it's because she's unaffected by everything going on (and honestly, he worries about her as much as he does Jason some days), she's one of the few people in this world that makes him feel like he can be close to honest.]

I figured it out after our first week here when we were all in the middle of battle. [There's a pause.] I…did something really, really stupid and ran out to the battlefield because I thought I could handle it, and Jason had to intervene so I didn't get myself killed because I couldn't kill people myself. He's always telling me not to have a death wish and back then…he asked me what I thought happened when people charge in thinking they have to do something. They die. That's what happens.

A couple of months later he confirmed it. [Another pause, because this is uncomfortable.] You remember those harps from last year, right? I…they were brutal. I stopped talking to him for a whole month but he called a lot and yelled a lot and when I finally found him again he told me about his life before that. What lead up to it. How it all happened. Why he did what he did. But he's never explained anything after that and I've never knew how to ask.

[Or even if he could or wanted to ask. He takes a deep breath to steady himself again.] Sometimes when I talk to Jason it's like he just snaps. Something about him changes. Something about him changes because of something I do or something I say, or when I follow my own leads or when we disagree on something and I don't know how to stop hurting him. [Because that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? At first, Hiro thought it was just a place of anger and frustration, Jason being a complete asshole just because he could. The longer Hiro stayed out of it though and the more he analyzed it, the more he thought about the things Jason had told him and with how he reacted to Hiro's actions? It became more clear it was a defense mechanism more than anything else. Not knowing how to cope with Hiro's ignorant willfulness, along with other things Hiro didn't quite understand and couldn't quite grasp.] So…that's why I'm staying at Caer Scima. He wanted me to listen to him and even when he told me not to bother and that he'd just turn me into Morla I listened anyway.

He's not a bad person, Clarke. [Well. In a way, he is, and Hiro knows that. He knows Jason's murdered people here in the Drabwurld and he knows that Jason's sometimes a little bloodthirsty, but he feels like he needs to make it clear he doesn't think he's a complete monster.] He's been keeping me alive for over a year and sometimes I don't really know why when all it's doing is frustrating him. But…he didn't kill Nico, and he could have. He could have killed him right after the audience and he could have turned both of us in but he didn't and that's how I know he's not a bad person. [Nico. He wasn't going to touch the Nico part of the equation yet, but it's also a test to see if Clarke will put together who Nico is.] But bad things happened to him and I can't fix it when things keep happening to make it worse. So…that's why I worry about him and that's why I stopped pushing back finally. Or at least I'm trying to stop pushing back. I still don't know if it's really working all the time though.

[There it is. The truth. It's missing a whole lot of details (like the things Hiro's told Jason in return and some of his less-than-stellar moments), but it's probably the most he's ever talked to Clarke about something that personal and he's actually a little too nervous to look her in the eye. So instead he remains with his face on her shoulder instead, waiting for a reaction.]

( the hand that had once been rubbing comforting circles on his back finally lifts to rest near the back of his head. it's painful, in a way, to listen to Hiro talk about this. to listen to him talk about Jason, about their relationship, about how turbulent things are, for how long it's been going on. there is so little that she wouldn't do for them that she wishes she had seen it sooner, that she had picked up on it prior to this. she wants to say she's been too busy for it, but it's just an excuse -- she should have noticed it.

the arm still snug around him doesn't move or let up in its hold, keeping him tight to her chest as he continues his explanation, letting so much more out than Clarke could ever imagine him holding in. and he has, she imagines, been holding it in for far longer than he ever should have. so she does her best now to be there for him, to be as present as she possibly can; even if she isn't sure where to begin with this, she's there, and that's truly the part that counts right now.

(she won't comment on Nico, though, even though it's not exactly difficult to put those pieces together.) )

I know he's not a bad person. Jason would do almost anything to protect any one of us. You, me, Bellamy, Ariadne -- others, too, I'm sure. I trust Jason with my life, with Bellamy's, Ariadne's, and yours, and there isn't anyone else that I can say that about. No matter his flaws, I know that Jason cares, that he's not bad.

But Hiro you have to know that it isn't your fault, or your responsibility. Jason has been through a lot, more than I know, probably more than you know, too. The little I do know is terrible. I'm not- I'm not a doctor, I don't know mental illnesses, and I can't say anything for sure about what he's going through. But I do know what triggers can be like for people after they have a really awful thing happen, and even the tiniest things can set them off.

That isn't about you, though, okay? It really isn't. You thinking that it's because of you would be like saying he caught the flu because you sneezed ten feet away from him. He doesn't react the way he does because of you; it's because of old things, old horrible things, that make things seem far harder to process than what they are.

We'll do whatever possible to help him, though. Okay? I promise.

Edited 2015-06-20 05:21 (UTC)

[It’s been over a year since he met Jason and even this far out in time he’s never quite managed to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together. He understands that things about Jason don’t add up, that things about Jason hurt and that at his core even if his methods are terrifying a lot of the time, there are good intentions behind it. Vigilante justice, if you will. Hiro’s seen Jason murder people on the battle field but he still took the time to pick him up and carry him off. Jason’s always looked out for his stupid ass and Hiro’s…done what?

Perhaps he is being ridiculous for thinking such things. It’s hard to convince himself, especially considering the fact that he’s been taking advantage of it. It’s true. His own guilt and helplessness is really what’s eating him about the situation and as soon as Clarke’s hand moves to his head there’s a slight hiccup due to suppressing what was probably close to a sob. The longer she talks, the more everything makes sense and that’s the unfortunate part. He’s by no means someone who has experience with mental illnesses either. Clarke can say it’s not his fault or his responsibility. He’d just turn around and say that he’s not Jason’s responsibility either and therein lies the problem.]

You don’t understand, and that’s okay. [That’s all he says for a moment.] I keep screwing up. I trip up his triggers or whatever you’d call them because I keep…[…how to explain.]

Look. I trust him with all of our lives, too. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t scare the crap out of me. [And with that, he’s just sort of clinging to her. They’re going to be so late.] It might not be that I’m the cause, but I don’t make it better. [There’s another long pause.] Do you know why he banned me from going anywhere? Has he ever told you why we set up this deal to be the way it is? It’s because I keep doing the same thing over and over again and that’s listening to him and then ignoring what he wants anyway. Back home I used to do the same thing to Tadashi. I don’t anymore, but I did it to my friends, too. And now I’m doing it to him.

So…I know your intentions are good, but don’t tell me this isn’t partially my fault, too. [His fingers curl in a little into her back.] And I’m going to do whatever I really have to to fix it. I just don’t know how to fix it.

[Even as he finishes he realizes he sounds so childish. And also self-centered. And potentially ridiculous but at this point maybe he needs to just throw everything out there instead of sitting on it and lashing out in the worst way possible.]

It’s just going to take a really, really long time, isn’t it?

Edited (he's disney 8|) 2015-06-20 06:04 (UTC)

( the explanation at least offers her some better perspective of what the problem is between them. while Clarke definitely understands how frustrating it is for Jason to try and look out for Hiro, only to continuously be disobeyed, Clarke can't really get behind the idea of making someone that looks up to you and cares about you feel fearful. although- she's sure that part isn't precisely intentional, not completely.

her arm tightens around him, the hand in his hair stroking through it as gently as she can, her touch present but feather light. it's the best she can offer for the moment as she listens, as Hiro gives a real explanation, and- well, she wants nothing more than to be able to make things better, but Hiro is right; it's going to take a while. )

It is, because it takes time for people to change. You have to learn to listen to the people that care about you and want to keep you out of danger, right? But Jason needs to learn to reign his anger in and not let it rule him as much as it does. But it's- Changing isn't easy, even in the simple stuff like remembering to make your bed in the morning. It takes a while, sometimes a really long while.

Fixing things, helping to make them better, it's going to be an uphill walk. For you and for Jason. But you have me with both of you while you go. Bellamy, Ariadne, and I'm sure Loki, too. When people realize that others are making an effort to change for the better, it's human instinct to want to support them. So you have all of us for this, okay? You have me.

[And maybe that's it. Maybe that's what he needed to remember was what Loki told him a while ago, what people have been telling him on and off since he arrived and something he tended to ignore whenever it suited his needs. He didn't have to do things by himself. People were willing to help here and he didn't have to worry about losing them because of it. He doesn't say anything at first, letting Clarke's words resonate before he tightens his arms around her for another hug and pulls his face off of her shoulder to look her in the eye.]

Okay...[A nod of assurance.] You're right. It's going to take a long time but we have you guys. [A beat.] Jason needs to know that, too. That's the first thing we have to change before anything else.

[And he pulls back a little, slight grin on his face.] Thank you. I...sorry. This wasn't exactly supposed to happen. [Mount St. Emotions erupting, he means. Ah well.]

Well, we'll work in making sure he knows it. At least that's something everyone can do pretty easily; frequent reminders have to work in some way, right?

( she's only partially joking; after all, she told Jason she'd remind him daily if she had to that people cared about him and his well being.

at the apology, Clarke gently ruffles at his hair before dropping a quick kiss to the top of his head. casual affection comes so easily to her with certain people now that she doesn't even think twice. )

You don't need to be sorry for this. I love you and Jason; the last thing I want is you thinking you don't have anyone to talk to about it.

I don't know, Tadashi used to frequently remind me to go to bed early and I never listened. [It's a joke, something a little more lighthearted to alleviate the heaviness of the conversation. The kiss to his hair just renders a more muted grin, mostly because it's something Honey Lemon would do and it's just another reminder of how separated he is from everyone he knows. On the other hand, he's grateful for Clarke's unabashed affections and her ability to continue taking on things like this.]

I can usually handle it by myself. [There's a little shrug after that.] But this place is kind of...crazy. But we'll take care of it somehow and it'll work out. [He looks back toward the direction they were headed, grin becoming a little more genuine.] Come on. You can tell me more about what kind of classes we're sitting in on this morning on the way there.

[He starts to walk, waiting for Clarke to follow. Nothing's been fixed by any means, and there are still holes that need to be filled and things to be adjusted, but for right now this is enough. It has to be enough.]

( she doesn't quite move right away, as though her brain is operating on a delay; it's almost a whiplash from the seriousness of their conversation into the gears that Hiro has switched to, and it takes Clarke a moment to catch up to it. once she does, she begins walking with him, falling into step at his side.

it's definitely far from over, but- it's enough for now. )

No way, that's definitely a surprise that you get to enjoy as we go to them. I'm more interested in Nico. ( a beat. ) He wouldn't happen to be about your height, dark hair, pale, looks like he's been sad for a decade or five?

[She'll come to find that's how he's been trying to get by in the Drabwurld, little flits and lies of omission, little ways of brushing off the topics that matter until it's too late. More than anything he's still a little dazed and emotionally drained from that conversation, even if it wasn't everything in its entirety. Trying to change the subject is his way of recovering.

Granted, even if she's not taking the bait on that he doesn't exactly mind the subject she picks if the nervous laugh is anything to go by.]

Heh...so you've met him already. [Hiro wipe that smile off your face, you probably look like a giant dork.] He's got his reasons but I'm trying to make things a little better. ...I mean it's kinda hard since I haven't seen him or really heard from him in a month but that was part of the deal I made with Jason. [A short pause.] I'm sure he's throwing around the word "boyfriend" but I don't think he actually knows it's true. Nico and I kinda didn't agree on anything until after Jason grounded me. That was my bad.

I did, last summer. He helped me with something pretty personal; he's a good person.

( she's not about to get into what Nico actually helped her with, but at least Hiro can know that Clarke does think well of him. it might not make much of a difference, and it certainly wouldn't sit well with Jason, but that's a different kettle of fish.

Clarke hums in acknowledgement as they walk. )

It's hard to agree on anything when one half of the relationship is grounded. Even harder when you're not from the same place. ( very careful word choice there. )

[Considering Nico was called "the necromancer" for a while, he can probably guess. It's okay, Clarke, he knows he has a crush on someone with creepy powers. (Let's not get into the fact that that's part of the appeal.) He continues to follow, humming in agreement under his breath. Above all else, Nico is a good person. He knows that, even if Nico doesn't always agree. He picks up on the deliberate word-choice though, making a face in response.]

You mean when you're not on the same side? [It's okay, Clarke, he can take it.] Trust me, I know. Why else do you think Jason grounded me? [Even before they were dating Jason put the ban hammer on him seeing Nico.] ...can I tell you a secret? I don't even really know if it is dating when we haven't seen each other in a month and we can't talk like we used to because Jason took my compass and now the thing's shut down. I know long distance relationships exist or whatever but...[A shrug.] I like him and I don't feel like liking anybody else but maybe that won't always be enough. Besides if Jason ever gets confirmation he'd actually kill me so.

[...but there's another small grin anyway.] But he's a good person and it's worth trying. Until I can see him again it's just what we've gotta do. It's no different than missing everybody from home and still caring about them.

Well let's make sure Jason never does get confirmation, because I don't want to have a reason to actually be mad at him.

( Jason's frustrating, sure, but Clarke's never actually been angry with him, and she doesn't want to start. but even Clarke knows that, as much as Jason tries to deny it, he really can be a good person, and she has pretty hefty doubts over the idea that he might actually do something that bad to Hiro. )

I don't think there are any set rules for what counts as 'dating', though. I knew people who had been in the skybox for years and were still maintaining relationships with people on the outside. ( oh- right, that won't make much sense. ) Skybox was the Ark's version of jail back home, and it was only used to keep kids under 18 who had done something illegal.

So even if you haven't seen each other for a month, I don't think it means that it's not dating, at least if both of you want it to be dating?

It's pretty complicated I guess. Nico's...also climbing the political scale and I never told him what I'm doing over here. [He just makes a face.] This was literally one of the dumbest things I've ever done, but I've never done this before and Tadashi hasn't really either, so... [A shrug. It hasn't occurred to him that Tadashi may have been dating people and just not telling his baby brother...but let's be honest, Tadashi's a giant nerd and so Hiro has zero reference levels.

Beyond that, he's a little more interested in what else she's saying. Clarke and Bellamy don't talk much about the Ark, and he doesn't want to pry since it seems kind of...really intrusive...but at the same time that's never really stopped him.]

What can you do that's even illegal on a floating space ship in the sky?

Being politically powerful in a court does make it a lot more complicated; people are more prone to recognize him and less likely to be able to blend in. But- Hey, it'll be fine, it's going to work out.

( she's confident!!! )

Stealing food rations or medical supplies, things like murder and assault, wasting oxygen reserves. ( her voice grows a bitter edge to it. ) Doing something the council didn't approve of.

We'll see. [There's a muted sort of smile that says that he's totally not sure about that...but Clarke's optimism is contagious enough that he'll drop it.

It's the Ark he's more interested in, and as she continues to talk his eyes narrow. That...no. He doesn't like that. The first few things, obviously that makes sense. But...] Doesn't sound too different from jails back home...other than the whole oxygen thing. But what if the council made stupid rules? Who overruled them?

[It was easier to think about school and about the day ahead of them, not the past and not the problems they were going to find for themselves soon in the future. But that didn't mean he wasn't curious. After this he might back off just for the sake of keeping Clarke happy but it'll weigh on his mind for a while.

Stupid Ark.]

The chancellor, but regardless of who the chancellor is, they are part of the council anyway, so they still choose the rules that are made. The council can vote on things, but if they can't make a decisions, the chancellor makes the final choice.

Most of the rules made sense and kept order and made people feel safe. Other ones were... ridiculous. And the worst part was that if you were over 18 and broke a law, it was immediately treated as a felony, and you were floated. ( Clarke swallows back the lump in her throat; the memory of watching her dad still felt surreal. but it's easy to hold herself in the present, instead of lingering on that awful memory. ) 'Floated' means that you were thrown out an airlock into space while you were still alive. The Ark was brutal that way.

[Well this will be fun whenever he learns about what Bellamy did to get on the drop ship. But since that's neither here nor there he's just quietly listening.

...it's not fair is what it is. It's essentially murdering people for breaking a law and being an adult. He shakes his head at what Clarke's saying before he takes a deep breath, shaking his head again as he bites back his original line of thought. Mostly how backwards it seemed. It wasn't about safety, it was about using intimidation to keep people in line.]

...no wonder you and Bellamy thrive here. [The Drabwurld sounds almost better than the Ark.] But at least you don't have to deal with things being as strict here. Doesn't that help? You guys can learn way more here and do a ton of stuff that's normal for most worlds. [Like going to school. Or going to parties.]

...but I'm glad neither of you ever got floated. If that's any consolation.

It does help, but we also were sent to the ground where Bellamy and I wound up making rules for the hundred kids we were sent down with. I was in jail, Bellamy was a stowaway because of his sister, and we wound up on Earth together.

( which is the quick version that won't at all touch on how awfully her and Bellamy got along at the start. )

I would have been if they hadn't sent us to the ground instead. I had a month before I turned eighteen back home, and I would have been given a review, but- Well, the Ark's life support system was failing, and they were floating everyone who had been arrested when they turned 18. I was lucky.

[Well that also explains a lot about Clarke herself, especially how she treats Hiro. He doesn't say anything, tilting his head in thought as he debates on if there's anything he can say to make it better.

He wants to ask why she was in jail, but that's a big thing to ask. He has a feeling that the reason he was arrested and the reason she was are two different things. He wants to know about the kids Clarke and Bellamy were leading, wants to know what was wrong with the Ark and what was wrong with the earth that it was meant to be a punishment...

...but it can wait. He shakes his head, taking a deep breath and giving her a somewhat muted grin.]

You know that just raises a lot of questions, don't you? Story for another time though. [He'd rather focus on school and boosting the morale again and not more terrible things. The Drabwurld's already full of terrible things.] I think we've had enough depressing discussions today.

[But it doesn't stop him from moving to walk a little closer to her. The idea of someone like Clarke being floated and just having her life ripped from her isn't okay. It's not even remotely close to being okay and it's actually a little horrifying to think about.] It definitely explains why you and Bellamy work well together though. It's hard to imagine either of you without the other.

Definitely for another time, but for the record, I don't mind telling you about it when you do want to ask.

( the Ark feels like something distant now; for everything that's happened since landing on the Ground with the hundred up until this moment, so much has happened that the Ark seems like a different life all together. she doesn't mind talking about it, but some of it- well, some of it can be harder than other points. she's thankful for the subject change.

except it makes her huff out a bit of laughter, because well- )

We weren't always like that. He almost dropped me in a pit of spikes once because I was more useful dead than alive. ( or so he thought, seeing as though Clarke was the only medic for one hundred other people. but hey. who needs a medic when Bellamy could get her wristband off instead! )

Then you might be one of the first. [Everyone in the Drabwurld has secrets (including himself.) People don't often talk openly about home so...it's nice to have that reassurance. They're approaching the fairy ring now from what Hiro can see and he picks up the pace in his excitement, expecting Clarke to keep up.

Of course, then she says that and he practically trips over his own feet to stop again.] He did what? [Bellamy that is not cool.] How would...why...huh? That doesn't make any sense.

...what'd you do to change his mind?

I think it's understandable, talking about home is hard sometimes. ( it makes people miss it, or causes them to be embittered either about their home compared to the Drabwurld, or the Drabwurld compared to home. so she understands, but- after a year and a half, she's not so bothered by it anymore.

while she falls in step with him, she's also just as quick to stop, staring at him for a moment. she often forgets that people haven't known her and Bellamy since the beginning. )

We didn't get along at first, I came from upper-class on the Ark, he was from lower. If the Ark thought I was dead on the ground, he thought that would be incentive for the Arkers not to come to Earth with us. At least that was his logic.

A lot of things happened. We decided that working together was better than the alternative of letting chaos reign through the hundred. We were right.

Edited 2015-07-24 07:01 (UTC)

[He's quiet, listening to the story for a moment as he thinks that over. Somehow that doesn't surprise him too terribly considering the little bit he knows about Bellamy. So after a brief moment he suddenly nods and accepts it.]

I'm pretty sure I've read a book like that, but I don't think there were any girls to balance out the boys so everything sort of went nuts. [That is to say, Clarke is clearly the voice of reason here.] Maybe you guys can work together to help the rest of us get our act together, too. Who knows? [There's a shrug...but he knows they're all sort of a giant hot mess. It's crazy.]

I can see why you guys don't really tell people though. Must be weird to think about now.

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