zerotohiro | I'll be the watcher of the eternal flame [Eachdraidh IC Contact]

( the problem is, she doesn't even know what to say. Hiro's done things in the past that have worried her, but she's never felt disappointed by him, not really. it's a first. )

You didn't tell Jason that you left.

( it's not a question, it's a statement, because she wants him to know that she's aware. her voice is softer after that, could edge on sad. )

Why didn't you say anything? To me? ( a beat, hesitant, and she can't keep the emotion out of her voice. ) Do you not trust me anymore, after I told Jason about what we talked about at Redgate?

[He's awake, because of course he is. Sleeping isn't doing him any favors and after the call with Jason he's sort of felt absolutely terrible. Hearing Clarke's message though doesn't help at all. Actually, it just makes him feel even worse. He debates not responding to her at all, but when he clicks onto the network to respond he's very quiet.]

No. It's not that. [He thinks about saying "sorry", but he's not sure it'll even help anymore.] I don't know. [He knows exactly why.] I just--

[...something occurs to him though and he stops.] You told Jason. [It makes perfect sense. It suddenly clicks how Jason found out, why Jason was upset, how Clarke stumbled into the middle of something bigger that's his own fault that he thought was, what, helping? This is a mess, as usual, and on top of being completely certain he's finally fucked up enough to lose his--Jason, now he's disappointed Clarke.

Maybe he should just ask Bellamy to leave him in Glaschu.]

I didn't know you two were talking that much about it. [About them, he means.]

He wanted to know where you were; he told me that you two haven't spoken for over a month.

( there's no accusation in her voice, none, just- she's calm about it, albeit emotional. she worries. )

I thought things were okay? At least... passably. Enough that you were talking to him.

Clarke, I can't really talk about this. [Because he's busted. Because he knows he screwed up. Because he has absolutely no idea how to explain his thoughts and emotions to someone like Clarke and he's already upset her enough. So instead, he thinks about what Jason told him.]

...he said you're helping him out. [It's not only to tell her that he knows, but also to let her know Jason got a hold of him first.] Can you keep doing that for me?

I'll always help Jason, no matter what.

( her response is immediate, comes without hesitation. if there's something she can be counted on to do- it's doing her best to help and look out for anyone in the people in Diasbaile (and their surrounding circle) who have become so significant to her.

but that includes Hiro. )

I love you, okay? I was worried, and a little upset that you kept it from me, but I still love you, and I'm still here if you need anything. That never changes.

[Nope. How dare you use the L-word, Clarke? It's the final snapping point though and he suddenly inhales sharply.]

I messed up. [It would have been fine if Jason hadn't already talked to him. Maybe it would have been fine if that had happened but the rest of July hadn't been a mess. But it was, and it was his fault.] I really messed up and I'm trying to figure out how to fix it and I think I really hurt him this time and I shouldn't have gone but I needed to do this and...I'm sorry.

( Clarke's quiet as she listens to him, and the only noise that comes from her initially is a deep breath being taken, exhaled slowly. )

It's okay, Hiro. We'll figure it out when you get back, okay? Sometimes Jason is- Difficult to talk to. ( understatement. ) And it's easy to feel like you messed up with him, really easy. But even if- ( rather large emphasis on if. ) -you messed up or hurt him, nothing is ever beyond fixing with family, okay? Nothing.

It's not just that. [Hiro, stop.] I...messed something else up, too. And I can't tell Jason and I can't tell you and I'm really sorry, I'm trying to fix it because it was my mistake. And I should have listened to Jason, but she needed help and--[He's sort of just babbling at this point. He'd told Bellamy part of this earlier today. It's been a few weeks and the visions of the dying around him continue haunting his dreams to the point of almost driving him completely insane.]

...he's not my keeper anymore. [And it sounds crazy, and he knows it's (probably) not true, but he's having a hard time differentiating "keeper" from "friend" from "family."] He didn't even yell at me this time. That's how I know.

Wait, Hiro, what- Who needed help? ( okay, okay, she's definitely lost on that part, but-

but her chest tightens in the worst way at the last part. Jason being angry is easy to handle; you wait it out and then try again, with a new approach, or just until the rage ebbs off and the subject can be brought up again. but this- Clarke exhales a sigh, quiet. )

I can promise you it's going to be okay, Hiro. ( a beat. ) We have a spare room at the house, do you want to come stay for a little while when you're back? And we can figure things out from there, if you want.

I should have said no to her but she needed someone to go with her and I knew how to find him and where to go and what was out there, and she believed in me and I helped keep her safe but I didn't know. [He seems to be only half-connected to the conversation because he's thinking about Jason. Thinking about how he should have told Jason he was going to Quendi, should have called him, shouldn't have tried to give him space, shouldn't have hid from him out of fear and shame and whatever else came from the last few weeks.

Clarke's offer would normally be appreciated but he shakes his head despite the fact she can't see it.] I can't. I have to go back. I have to go back, I can't leave Caer Scima again after this. I have to fix everything.

Hiro.

( her voice is a little louder now, meant to snap his attention back to her properly. )

Who needed your help, and what did you do?

Lightning. [The sound of Clarke's voice grounds him, even as his own voice sort of cracks a bit in a higher pitch as he goes on to (vaguely) explain.] She wanted to go find Shuck and asked me to help her get there so I went to Quendi with her.

( shit. )

You saw him, didn't you? ( she already knew he was angry when people had gone to him, people that were not his own. ) What happened?

He didn't even listen. [That doesn't explain anything of what happened...which means it's probably sort of bad.] Lightning was just trying to help and he's not the same as what he was and something changed. Clarke, he doesn't care. He's done with all of us.

Hiro, hey- Listen to me. ( she's quiet for a moment, taking a deep breath. ) I know he is. I know. I already talked to Jason about it, we're going to talk to the Queen- It's going to be okay, we'll figure this out, too.

[...of course she already talked to Jason about it. There's something that tugs in his brain, something he's not sure how to interpret but he doesn't dwell on it. Well okay. Those two would be okay talking to Morla. That makes sense.

But is it going to be okay? That he's less sure of and it's evident in the way his breathing's unsteady and his voice is shaky.]

Clarke, he wants to kill us and use our shards. He's not on our side anymore, he's already made his choice. [He knows she knows, but...it's scary to think about, really. And then a scarier thought occurs to him.] You can't tell Jason what I just told you about Quendi. Please. [There's more to the story he's not telling her. He knows Clarke might be able to tell, but he still can't quite wrap his head around his immense failures himself.]

Edited 2015-08-05 16:00 (UTC)

( there's part of her that hates that other people know about the Shuck's plan, not because she wants to keep the information hidden, but because it just reminds them that they're losing this war. and now they have another contender to fight against; first the Seelie, then the Cult, and now the Shuck. )

I know he's made his choice, and there's nothing we can do about that except try to anticipate what his next move is and try to keep everyone as safe as we possibly can.

( she's quiet for a moment, considering. )

Okay. I won't. But you need to tell me what else happened when you're ready, all right? ( compromise. )

[Normally, he'd take that compromise. Normally he'd agree and everything would be fine and he'd tell her what's going on.

But this time's a little different.] I can't. [It's too much. It's his fault and he can't tell her what happened until he knows how to make it stop.] I'm sorry...I can't do that.

( she sighs out her next exhale; if she hadn't been worried before, she certainly is now. )

Why can't you? ( it's a genuine question; more worried that the Shuck had done something that prevented him from talking about it. )

I'm going to figure out how to fix it. [He's busy scrubbing at his face.] I failed last time but I can fix this. I promise.

[Mostly it's that he knows Clarke worries and he knows Clarke talks, and if she and Jason are actually close now...he can get this under control and then own up to his mistakes.]

I need to go. Bellamy and I are going...you know. Tomorrow morning.

I- ( want to help. the words die in her throat, and Clarke doesn't say anything for a moment. )

Okay. Be safe, all right? ( a pause, brief. ) Love you. ( she's trying to get better at saying it to the people she cares about, knowing that all of them walk into danger so frequently. )

I will. ["For how long?" He's quiet, hearing the words and knowing he'll have to talk to Clarke eventually...but not today.]

...love you, too. [And it's a quiet disconnect. Sorry, med-mom.]

I'll be the watcher of the eternal flame [Eachdraidh IC Contact]

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