zerotohiro | I'll be the watcher of the eternal flame [Eachdraidh IC Contact]

Just that you have a boyfriend who is in Seelie, no details. It was just part of the bigger conversation we had, kind of a passing comment? Not the focus of the conversation.

What's his name?

Which is hilarious because we didn't start dating until after Jason grounded me. [A huff.]

...Clarke, I can't. These aren't really...you know. [Secure. He doesn't trust the lockets anymore.]

No- You're right, sorry, I sometimes forget about it.

As long as you're happy. As happy as you can be in the situation, at least. ( a huff. ) As long as he's good to you. That's all that matters.

I'll see you in the morning, okay? Bright and early.

It's okay. [There's a long pause as he debates.]

...we'll talk about this tomorrow, okay? If you still have questions or whatever. [He might even bring it up himself at this point because he hasn't told anybody. Period.] But yeah. Bright and early.

Okay.

( she won't really pry, not truly, because for her it hardly matters about the cross-court part. the only issue she has is if he's good to Hiro or not.

but she won't push. )

Good night, Hiro.

[Well the fact that she didn't freak out is assuring, at least. It's enough for him to decide that tomorrow when he sees her? He'll try to explain everything he can. Maybe...it'll help, somehow.]

Night...don't forget. Eight tomorrow. [And he'll disconnect the call.

And. You know. Probably not sleep a lot that night and be sitting out in front of the castle by 7:45am the next morning but that's fine. No big deal.]

( she approaches the castle at five to, and isn't at all surprised to see Hiro already waiting for her. she has a to-go cup in each hand from the Station, and holds one out for him when she approaches. )

Hope you're a fan of hot chocolate. I didn't exactly want to fuel the excitement with caffeine, too.

[Considering the fact that his leg is bouncing and his fingers are drumming on his backpack in his lap, it's probably not a bad idea that she skipped the caffeine. He's excited to go and also nervous about the conversation he needs to have with her. But he still manages a grin and he's practically launching himself to his feet, stopping so he doesn't overbalance and fall on his ass as he takes the cup from her.]

I guess I can forgive you just this once. [But he's taking a sip, clearly satisfied with himself.] So how're we gonna get there?

Fairy ring. We can take the one close to hear right to the University.

( Clarke sips on her own cup, beyond thankful for the jumpstart of coffee. as excited as she always is to go to school, and despite how it's about ten times higher than usual with Hiro accompanying, having coffee is definitely a Drabwurld luxury. )

Also, Jason asked that we check in, but I plan on being ridiculous about it. So I hope you're ready for me to send him a lot of pictures and videos of the things we do.

[Even if he doesn't have any in his cup, he can smell it wafting from Clarke's and it makes him happy and sort of homesick again all at once. But the idea of actually sitting in on some of the university's classes outweighs that and he hikes his backpack up higher on his shoulder, rolling his eyes at the comment about Jason as they make their way toward the fairy ring on the grounds of Caer Scima.]

Sure. You can send him all kinds of pictures of us sitting at desks and writing notes and not visiting secret boyfriends or picking up Seelie like stray cats or whatever he thinks is gonna happen. [There's a smirk, though slightly bitter. He remembers what Jason said in terms of why he wouldn't allow Hiro to visit Clarke's new office at the Station, but also the fact that he told Clarke certain things has weighed on his mind for the last couple of hours.

That bitterness shifts though suddenly.] But if he wants updates, guess we should keep him in the loop every half an hour or so.

Oh, I don't know about you, but I definitely plan to pick up at least three Seelie people to bring back.

( sarcasm! she has it.

but still, she can see the bitterness in him about it, and her free arm moves to wrap around his shoulders as they walk, offering a bit of a side-hug while they go. )

We just worry about you, you know, and we worry because we care. I'll take half-hour updates to Jason over having to worry any day.

[Usually he doesn't reciprocate her affections. The hair ruffles or the hugs she's previously given him were usually met with brush-offs or signs of absolute defeat. This time though he doesn't even seem to think twice about leaning in for a brief moment, just enough to acknowledge the gesture but not enough to knock them off their course as they walk.]

I know. Kinda weird since sometimes I'm not even sure how much Jason likes me. [You can care very deeply for a person and their well-being and still dislike them, and while he doesn't think that's the case with Jason...he's well-aware he's been pretty problematic and a sort of crappy friend for the last year.

There's also the implication that Jason likes Clarke a lot, and he's fully aware of that.] I still can't believe you got him to say yes. [There's a slightly hopeful expression then.] Maybe...if he sees nothing's actually going to happen he'll let me come by your office soon. Gotta say I'm kinda impressed you're managing that and school, too. ["Plus the whole war thing."]

He likes you, you just know how to frustrate him the best. Which I guess is probably what siblings do, right? And you guys get along like what I imagine brothers would.

( she saw the way Jasper and Monty could be, and she watched Bellamy and Octavia enough. worrying about the people who you consider family like that- sometimes being frustrated was just more ways to show how much a person cares. )

I can't believe I got him to say yes. He said no at first, we had to fight a bit before he actually gave in and was nice about it.

But- Thanks. I guess I don't really think about it, but it does keep me busy. But I love everything I get to do, so it doesn't feel like I'm under a lot of pressure, which I think helps a lot.

[There's a look suddenly, like he's not sure how to react to what she's saying and he almost stops walking entirely. He frowns suddenly, eyebrows knitting together and teeth gnashing at his lower lip as he thinks of how to describe it.] ...Tadashi had a lot more patience than Jason does. [It's the first time he's ever mentioned his brother's name to her. Probably the first time he's mentioned his brother at all, now that he thinks about it.] They're close to the same age but Tadashi pretty much helped raise me since I was three. Jason's kinda like what Tadashi would be if Tadashi had anger issues. [And an inferiority complex...] They're both...kinda overprotective.

[Or more like Hiro's so reckless he needs people hovering over him constantly. That's more likely. He chuckles a little though at that admittance.]

That sounds more like it. Maybe there's hope after all. [He nods in agreement then.] Totally helps...it also helps that you're good at what you do from what I can tell. And the medical field always has new things to learn. It's sort of the same way the science field's constantly changing, too.

( when Hiro almost stops, Clarke definitely does. she makes no effort to continue walking to the fairy ring, instead opting to listen. the problem is that- she doesn't have any experience with this. siblings didn't exist on the Ark outside of Bellamy and Octavia -- she almost wishes Bellamy were there to give a better 'big brother' weigh-in on it.

but- she's going to do her best for him, because it's what Hiro deserves from her, especially right now. )

I think it's different when you grow up with someone being your sibling than when someone kind of.... comes into this place of adopting you, in a way. And everyone is different, and are going to have different ways of influencing and raising the people that depend on them, which is probably why Tadashi had more patience than Jason, and why Jason is angrier. I mean, we all come from wildly different worlds, so I guess that's part of it.

( Clarke steps closer to him, reaches to card her fingers through his hair, affectionate as anything. )

It's impossible not to like you, okay? Tadashi and Jason probably show it in very different way, but I, for one, know that Jason definitely does, even if he's really bad at showing it.

[She has a point. He knows she has a point, that Tadashi had 14 years of dealing with Hiro's bullshit and 14 years living together and growing up and 14 years of making sure he was okay...and now he's not here. Instead, Hiro's found a new sort of family. He never really thought of it that way, "adopting" people, but it's hard to take the thought back now that it's out there.

He's having trouble meeting her eyes as her fingers run through his hair, biting back the instinct to argue and the other instinct to brush off the discussion. When it comes down to it, it's difficulty in trying to understand everybody from the different worlds and how they all relate. He had problems relating to his friends from his own world sometimes. This was still new to him and when Clarke speaks he draws a deep breath and finally looks at her.]

...there's something wrong with him, Clarke. [It's said in a way that's more matter-of-fact than anything. It's not a place of anger or judgment but it's very clear he's aware and it's very clear that it bothers him.] Don't tell him I said that, okay? But...there's something wrong and I don't know how to fix it.

[Several months ago, Jason had left messages for Hiro. Several months ago when Hiro ran away, several months ago when Hiro threw his bad habits right in Jason's face and disregarded everything the older man had ever done for him. That shift in his personality. The change that had occurred that Hiro recognized but never asked about and never knew how to approach. It was something that still worried him about Jason but nothing he ever brought up to anybody else until this point.] I think I make it worse, whatever it is. ["Something about me makes it worse." He stops again suddenly, giving her an uncertain look.

This is a useless conversation. Jason would be mad he's telling Clarke these things about him, wouldn't he? This isn't important and it's actually a burden to be laying out so he shuts his mouth and straightens up, a small grin on his face as he ducks out from her hand then.]

But yeah. I know he does. [He tilts his head as a gesture to keep walking.] We're going to be late if we don't keep moving, right?

Edited 2015-06-14 07:15 (UTC)

( yeah, that gesture of his? completely ignored, she's not going anywhere after that.

except maybe to use the hand that isn't holding her coffee to pull him against her so she can hug him, because she knows. she knows that something is wrong with Jason, has known for a while now, even before he told her about dying in his home world. which- she can't necessarily tell Hiro about, since she imagines that isn't information Jason would be passing on to a surrogate younger sibling.

her hand moves in slow circles between his shoulders as she tries her best to think of what to say, tries to think of how she can even begin to help outside of smacking Jason Todd right upside the head to try and knock some sense into him. )

I know. I know that there is, and we can't- That's not something we can fix for him, okay? All we can do is care about him and remind him that we care, and help however we can, but this isn't something that can be fixed by any one of us.

( her voice is tight with emotion, and it takes effort to keep it soft, comforting. because this isn't something that Hiro should have to feel, this isn't a way that anyone should have to feel. and if her conversation with Jason about Finn was anything to go by, this is the last thing Jason would want Hiro to be feeling. )

You don't make it worse. No part of this -- making it worse, making him better, fixing what's wrong -- is your fault.

( she clearly doesn't seem to mind if they're a little late; this is absolutely more important. )

Edited 2015-06-14 07:30 (UTC)

[And then...well, then there comes an action that might surprise her in the form of Hiro burying his face into her shoulder. He isn't aware of what Clarke knows about Jason (and he remembers what Jason told him about threatening to break his nose if he ever told people things about him) so he remains quiet, sitting on the knowledge of how Jason died and how Jason came back. He doesn't know a lot about Jason's history beyond his death and beyond how he protected his mother and the details of his death...but it's not something he can tell Clarke. If Jason wanted her to know, he'd tell her himself.

Instead, he keeps his face smushed into her, shoulders hitching and immediately stopping when he realizes he's letting this get the better of him. He's not allowed to freak out about this right now. But...having a friend helps. He doesn't speak for a bit, but then--]

...why not? What if that's not enough? [All said still from his burrowed place in her shoulder.] What if he doesn't want to hear it? ["What if he doesn't believe it?" There's another long pause.] It's just not fair.

[And though the context seems as though he means it's not fair that Jason's making him think about this, he knows Clarke will understand the underlying meaning. It's not fair that there's something so drastically wrong that nobody else can fix it.] If I understood it better, I could try to fix it.

( she's reached a point between the kids back home and those she knows here that not much will surprise her in the form of physical affection. her hand never ceases in its slow circles between his shoulders, and she tucks her chin in gently atop his head. )

If it's not enough, we find out what will be, and we help if we can. But Jason has to put the effort in to get better, all we can do is support him while he figures it out. And too bad if he doesn't want to hear it, I already told him I was doing it anyway. He gets reminded every day that people care about him, whether he likes it or not.

( meaning... yeah, Clarke's talked to him about how he cares about other people, and how other people care about him. it's an uphill battle, she knows it will be, but this isn't something that they can help Jason with in just a couple weeks, and it isn't something they can do without him putting the effort in as well. )

I know. It's not fair at all.

( though, as she's learned over the last two and a half years, not very many things are. but she still hates it, hates that it's unfair that they can't fix Jason, fix what's wrong, fix what happened. and it's not fair for someone like Hiro, who needs the people like Jason in his life to be better than they know how to be. it is unfair, and it's awful. )

We can't fix what's happened to make him like this, Hiro, even if we understood everything. I wish it was that easy, for the sake of everyone.

[It helps. A lot. It helps a lot more than he ever expected it to help and it's hard to focus on anything except for that weird, raw ache in the center of his chest that comes from the realization that he doesn't willingly let people touch him very often. That's probably not a good thing, but he'll take advantage of it for the time being. He doesn't move from his place but he turns his head slightly so he can talk without his words being lost.

Not that he says anything immediately. He's listening. It suddenly makes more sense now why Jason let Clarke take him, why Jason likes Clarke and the nature of their relationship. If Clarke's already been fighting that battle...why? Why would she know that?

And then those last words settle in his ears.]

...he told you what happened to him, didn't he? [The way she phrased it isn't a generic statement. It's said like someone who knows that the type of tragedy that happened isn't something that can be taken back.]

( as soon as the question is posed, Clarke realizes that Hiro must know as well. there are few things that are worth asking after, but knowing about Jason and his history, his past, is certainly one of them. she isn't necessarily surprised that he knows about Jason's life in his home world, but- she does wish she had known sooner, if only so she could have helped Hiro before this.

her voice is tight when she answers, because it's still hard for her to wrap her head around. knowing that Jason had died, knowing he was adamant about not believing her, that no matter how many times she reminded him that people cared, he wouldn't believe it. all of it piles up, paired with knowing that Hiro knows, and the emotion surges into her voice. )

He did. I found out about a month ago.

["What all did he tell you? Why did he tell you?" They're questions he has but not ones he dares to ask. He's being careful and even when Clarke says she knows, he's not entirely confirming everything. Jason told him not to tell people things like that. He's listening this time.

But…it's Clarke. There's something about Clarke Griffin that makes the world feel a little bit better sometimes when everything else is falling apart, and though he's not naive enough to believe it's because she's unaffected by everything going on (and honestly, he worries about her as much as he does Jason some days), she's one of the few people in this world that makes him feel like he can be close to honest.]

I figured it out after our first week here when we were all in the middle of battle. [There's a pause.] I…did something really, really stupid and ran out to the battlefield because I thought I could handle it, and Jason had to intervene so I didn't get myself killed because I couldn't kill people myself. He's always telling me not to have a death wish and back then…he asked me what I thought happened when people charge in thinking they have to do something. They die. That's what happens.

A couple of months later he confirmed it. [Another pause, because this is uncomfortable.] You remember those harps from last year, right? I…they were brutal. I stopped talking to him for a whole month but he called a lot and yelled a lot and when I finally found him again he told me about his life before that. What lead up to it. How it all happened. Why he did what he did. But he's never explained anything after that and I've never knew how to ask.

[Or even if he could or wanted to ask. He takes a deep breath to steady himself again.] Sometimes when I talk to Jason it's like he just snaps. Something about him changes. Something about him changes because of something I do or something I say, or when I follow my own leads or when we disagree on something and I don't know how to stop hurting him. [Because that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? At first, Hiro thought it was just a place of anger and frustration, Jason being a complete asshole just because he could. The longer Hiro stayed out of it though and the more he analyzed it, the more he thought about the things Jason had told him and with how he reacted to Hiro's actions? It became more clear it was a defense mechanism more than anything else. Not knowing how to cope with Hiro's ignorant willfulness, along with other things Hiro didn't quite understand and couldn't quite grasp.] So…that's why I'm staying at Caer Scima. He wanted me to listen to him and even when he told me not to bother and that he'd just turn me into Morla I listened anyway.

He's not a bad person, Clarke. [Well. In a way, he is, and Hiro knows that. He knows Jason's murdered people here in the Drabwurld and he knows that Jason's sometimes a little bloodthirsty, but he feels like he needs to make it clear he doesn't think he's a complete monster.] He's been keeping me alive for over a year and sometimes I don't really know why when all it's doing is frustrating him. But…he didn't kill Nico, and he could have. He could have killed him right after the audience and he could have turned both of us in but he didn't and that's how I know he's not a bad person. [Nico. He wasn't going to touch the Nico part of the equation yet, but it's also a test to see if Clarke will put together who Nico is.] But bad things happened to him and I can't fix it when things keep happening to make it worse. So…that's why I worry about him and that's why I stopped pushing back finally. Or at least I'm trying to stop pushing back. I still don't know if it's really working all the time though.

[There it is. The truth. It's missing a whole lot of details (like the things Hiro's told Jason in return and some of his less-than-stellar moments), but it's probably the most he's ever talked to Clarke about something that personal and he's actually a little too nervous to look her in the eye. So instead he remains with his face on her shoulder instead, waiting for a reaction.]

( the hand that had once been rubbing comforting circles on his back finally lifts to rest near the back of his head. it's painful, in a way, to listen to Hiro talk about this. to listen to him talk about Jason, about their relationship, about how turbulent things are, for how long it's been going on. there is so little that she wouldn't do for them that she wishes she had seen it sooner, that she had picked up on it prior to this. she wants to say she's been too busy for it, but it's just an excuse -- she should have noticed it.

the arm still snug around him doesn't move or let up in its hold, keeping him tight to her chest as he continues his explanation, letting so much more out than Clarke could ever imagine him holding in. and he has, she imagines, been holding it in for far longer than he ever should have. so she does her best now to be there for him, to be as present as she possibly can; even if she isn't sure where to begin with this, she's there, and that's truly the part that counts right now.

(she won't comment on Nico, though, even though it's not exactly difficult to put those pieces together.) )

I know he's not a bad person. Jason would do almost anything to protect any one of us. You, me, Bellamy, Ariadne -- others, too, I'm sure. I trust Jason with my life, with Bellamy's, Ariadne's, and yours, and there isn't anyone else that I can say that about. No matter his flaws, I know that Jason cares, that he's not bad.

But Hiro you have to know that it isn't your fault, or your responsibility. Jason has been through a lot, more than I know, probably more than you know, too. The little I do know is terrible. I'm not- I'm not a doctor, I don't know mental illnesses, and I can't say anything for sure about what he's going through. But I do know what triggers can be like for people after they have a really awful thing happen, and even the tiniest things can set them off.

That isn't about you, though, okay? It really isn't. You thinking that it's because of you would be like saying he caught the flu because you sneezed ten feet away from him. He doesn't react the way he does because of you; it's because of old things, old horrible things, that make things seem far harder to process than what they are.

We'll do whatever possible to help him, though. Okay? I promise.

Edited 2015-06-20 05:21 (UTC)

[It’s been over a year since he met Jason and even this far out in time he’s never quite managed to put all of the pieces of the puzzle together. He understands that things about Jason don’t add up, that things about Jason hurt and that at his core even if his methods are terrifying a lot of the time, there are good intentions behind it. Vigilante justice, if you will. Hiro’s seen Jason murder people on the battle field but he still took the time to pick him up and carry him off. Jason’s always looked out for his stupid ass and Hiro’s…done what?

Perhaps he is being ridiculous for thinking such things. It’s hard to convince himself, especially considering the fact that he’s been taking advantage of it. It’s true. His own guilt and helplessness is really what’s eating him about the situation and as soon as Clarke’s hand moves to his head there’s a slight hiccup due to suppressing what was probably close to a sob. The longer she talks, the more everything makes sense and that’s the unfortunate part. He’s by no means someone who has experience with mental illnesses either. Clarke can say it’s not his fault or his responsibility. He’d just turn around and say that he’s not Jason’s responsibility either and therein lies the problem.]

You don’t understand, and that’s okay. [That’s all he says for a moment.] I keep screwing up. I trip up his triggers or whatever you’d call them because I keep…[…how to explain.]

Look. I trust him with all of our lives, too. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t scare the crap out of me. [And with that, he’s just sort of clinging to her. They’re going to be so late.] It might not be that I’m the cause, but I don’t make it better. [There’s another long pause.] Do you know why he banned me from going anywhere? Has he ever told you why we set up this deal to be the way it is? It’s because I keep doing the same thing over and over again and that’s listening to him and then ignoring what he wants anyway. Back home I used to do the same thing to Tadashi. I don’t anymore, but I did it to my friends, too. And now I’m doing it to him.

So…I know your intentions are good, but don’t tell me this isn’t partially my fault, too. [His fingers curl in a little into her back.] And I’m going to do whatever I really have to to fix it. I just don’t know how to fix it.

[Even as he finishes he realizes he sounds so childish. And also self-centered. And potentially ridiculous but at this point maybe he needs to just throw everything out there instead of sitting on it and lashing out in the worst way possible.]

It’s just going to take a really, really long time, isn’t it?

Edited (he's disney 8|) 2015-06-20 06:04 (UTC)

( the explanation at least offers her some better perspective of what the problem is between them. while Clarke definitely understands how frustrating it is for Jason to try and look out for Hiro, only to continuously be disobeyed, Clarke can't really get behind the idea of making someone that looks up to you and cares about you feel fearful. although- she's sure that part isn't precisely intentional, not completely.

her arm tightens around him, the hand in his hair stroking through it as gently as she can, her touch present but feather light. it's the best she can offer for the moment as she listens, as Hiro gives a real explanation, and- well, she wants nothing more than to be able to make things better, but Hiro is right; it's going to take a while. )

It is, because it takes time for people to change. You have to learn to listen to the people that care about you and want to keep you out of danger, right? But Jason needs to learn to reign his anger in and not let it rule him as much as it does. But it's- Changing isn't easy, even in the simple stuff like remembering to make your bed in the morning. It takes a while, sometimes a really long while.

Fixing things, helping to make them better, it's going to be an uphill walk. For you and for Jason. But you have me with both of you while you go. Bellamy, Ariadne, and I'm sure Loki, too. When people realize that others are making an effort to change for the better, it's human instinct to want to support them. So you have all of us for this, okay? You have me.

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